Wednesday, 27 February 2008

Suffolk Saints Earthquake Relief Appeal

An Earthquake measuring 5.2 on the Richter scale hit Market Rasen in Lincolnshire early this morning. The epicentre was just north of the town, and its effects were felt as far north as Dumfries in Scotland and as far south as the Isle of Wight. In Suffolk the tremor woke various residents of the small villages of "The Saints", and mid-morning survivors were seen wandering aimlessly around the lanes saying "Ar, that were un biggun," and "Did the earth move for 'ee then?"

The earthquake shook some houses to their non-exsistent foundations, and in one particular residence damage was sustained to the door at the foot of the stairs which, up until that time, had never closed by itself. Following the tremors it swung shut without effort. In the Parsonage House the Rector was woken from a rather interesting dream by the noise of pictures rattling on the walls. "I knew immediately what it was," he said. "It's the second earthquiake I have survived, my first being the 2.8 magnitude quake that hit Stoke-on-Trent 6th May, 1996. Then, house and car alarms went off and it was bedlam for half-an hour or so. But here," he continued, "in the country, apart from next-door's dogs barking, and the geese in the field at the back squealing, it was just as it always is. I soon went back to sleep."

"The earthquake sounded like distant thunder," said one bemused resident, clutching a cup of coffee in the Village Hall. "I thought one of the North Sea platforms had exploded," said another. "Why? What's happened?" asked a third, stirring her tea with a digestive biscuit.

One resident, a 15 year-old mother of four, said "It was such a ****ing shock, little Chardonnay-Destiny came running into my bedroom crying; my hands were shaking that much I could hardly make me roll-up, and I got tobacco all over me duvet."

The British Red Cross has so far managed to send 4000 crates of tea bags and biscuit selection boxes to the area to help with the crisis. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found numerous issues of "Farming Weekly", a dozen or so rusty sheep emasculating shears, scores of pension books, and several hundred copies of "Hymns Ancient & Modern".

How Can You Help?

The Suffolk Saints Earthquake Relief Appeal (SSERA) hopes to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in the disaster. Clothing is most sought after. Urgently needed are shooting jackets, jodphurs, woolly hats, comfy cardigans and wellington boots. Food parcels are also needed. They include Farm-fresh free-range eggs, Suffolk ham, chicken portions and hand-picked mushrooms. Alcohol is also in short supply, especially St. Peter's English Ale, Adnams Bitter and Apple juice.

Cash donations are also needed. £3.50 buys a Fish & chip dinner in Bungay, £15.00 buys a large bag of dried dog food from the Country Superstore, and £28.00 buys a pub lunch for two at St. Peter's Hall. Your help is appreciated.


  1. Don't panic - help is on the way!!!

  2. And I slept through it. Still Leeds is a noisy city.

    Concerned about the Adnams Ale though!

  3. Help is still on the way! We are having problems with the Department of Homeland Security regarding our shipment of kosher copies of Soprano Monthly.